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I must say it's hard right now... I just finished my book and i suddenly realised what i've been doing the past 3 days... I've been hiding. I know it might sound very logic and it may sound even healthy, since it hurts so much, but to me it's pretty much the most bad thing to do.

to be short: the last 3 days I've been sleeping a lot, i counted backwards and it's getting worse actually.... first i just slept 10 hours, which is pretty normal for me when something happened... but then it got longer, and then even longer again... i did the math and i discovered i slept almost 17 hours... and i would've slept even longer if my mom hadn't woken me up. so okay, that's just one thing.

Then i started to realise that the last 3 days i've been hiding from reality. how? by keeping my mind busy. I counted once again and i realised I've been reading book after book. Normally i don't read that many books in one row, since it gets me kind of off-world when i do, but right now? since she died i've read three books... that's almost one book a day... and then i'm talking about books that i would normally take at least 3 days each...

when i'm not reading, it most of the time just because i had to eat or i am at my grandmother's place because she felt lonely. when i don't read and i'm not doing stuff, i just start crying, can't get those faces out of my head, the way my grandmother just broke down, or my aunt.... i've never seen my dad cry this much, not even that time when i ran away from home. to be honest, that's the ONLY time i've ever seen him cry and that was just some tears slipping from his eyes.... this was totally different...

damn, it's hard typing this.... i've been shaking all day. trembling non-stop.... since mom woke me.... i opened my eyes, took my book, started reading, finished the book, realised i'd neglected my fish lately.... 4 of them died already... i'm such a good friend to them..... so i cleaned up their place, my mom and dad had already gotten the dead fish out some days ago... they kept feeding them when i didn't....

i'm really surprised my mom hasn't said anything about it yet.... she's pretty calm about me actually..... only because i said this is my way of mourning i guess... but i'm not. i'm not mourning. i'm running away and up till this morning i wasn't really able to admit i was.

and damn i thought this was going to be a short edit... anyway, everyone thank you for all your concern, it's actually helped me accept this all. without you all i would probably still be running from this all. i though i was over it, that i had moved on. but i don't think i can call this moving on... *sigh* so yes thank you. also for showing me the friendship. i hadn't expected this, really...

thank you all so much i've put my book away haha

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Today my aunt died.

She was submitted to the hospital in the night of 15 to 16 november... and she died this morning, on the 17th of november. I spend most of yesterday in the hospital or trying to get there because my dad called me at school that if i wanted to say my final goodbyes i should come right away (I had to travel more than 2 hours, half in a panic, so yeah that was really fun). We left the hospital yesterday evening, thinking we'd come back in the morning. Just as we were getting dressed to go back, our family called that my aunt had passed away.

I hope she's in a better place now, thinking that perhaps being with us those last 5 days may have been a gift of the Holy to say her own goodbyes before she slipped into a coma.

May the Mother look upon her and see the good she did.
Rest in peace

ps. as you may understand, i won't be very social these coming days. I'll be going back to school tomorrow, but i don't think i'm of much use to my groupmembers oh well, i'll see about that tomorrow....